By Elsie Udoh
I fucked up, diary.
This was what I wanted but it hurts so bad. I feel so miserable. What was I thinking? I let everyone down. I can’t even bear to think about it but as my therapist said, thinking about it will help me make better choices. Besides, I might not see you for a very long time so let me start by telling you about it. It all began on Friday.
I woke up feeling ecstatic and hyper. You could say I woke up on the right side of the bed. Even mom noticed that I was unusually super obedient. I offered to do chores willingly without grumbling about my siblings being available.
The day seemed to pass really slowly. I was very impatient but then I had no choice but to wait. I had run into Bode during the week and he told me not to forget about Friday night and winked at me. My head spiraled 360° and I was even more determined to attend the party at all costs. Now D-Day was here and nothing would ruin it for me.
Mofe kept teasing me and asking me what I was up to because I wasn’t so nice on a normal day. Her words made mom start getting suspicious and I had to shut her up. It wasn’t easy, trust me. Mofe can be such a pest!
Anyways, after what seemed like 100 years, evening came and I arranged my clothes and patiently waited for everyone to retire to bed. I wasn’t sure what to wear but I settled for a skimpy black dress which protruded my budding curves quite well. Mofe almost walked in on me while I was trying on the dress but thankfully, I remembered to lock my door so I just told her off and said I would be going to bed early and didn’t want to be disturbed. She whined as usual but left eventually.
I waited anxiously and when it was 9 pm, I snuck out of my room wearing a big hoodie over my skimpy dress. Mom and dad were still in the sitting room so I had to run back into the room and waited for them to go inside. As soon as I was sure that they were in, I locked my room door and ran out of the house.
This was the first time I was sneaking out of the house late at night. I felt a bad sensation and wanted to go back in but my desire to be rebellious and most especially, to spend the entire night with my Bode was way greater than my fear so I kept on going. If only I had known.
I arrived at the party venue which wasn’t quite far from my estate and the place looked quiet and deserted. I walked inside, mouthing a loud hello. After a while, Bode came out and my tense nerves were suddenly relaxed. He led me to the room where the supposed party was being held.
It looked nothing like a party. There were three older guys and a lady smoking and obviously high on booze. I wasn’t comfortable but Bode told me others were on their way and I stupidly calmed down when I should have run away as fast as my legs could carry.
Bode began to touch me and he told me he has been noticing all the signs I have given about my interest in him and that he felt the same way towards me. You can not even imagine how that made me feel. I was so foolish to get swayed that I didn’t notice when the lady quietly went to bolt the room door.
I liked the way his touches made me feel. I enjoyed it until he lost control and pulled at my hair. I yelled loudly in pain telling him he was hurting me but he gave me a wicked smile and pulled even harder. He seemed to enjoy my pain. Suddenly, he began to hit me and laughed loudly as he landed several punches at me. I cried until I couldn’t feel anything anymore.
As I slowly slipped away, I felt him hard inside me. He was having the time of his life causing me pain. I faintly heard a loud mocking laugh from all corners of the room. I shut my eyes to cancel the noise and stop the pain and it seemed to work.
When I opened my eyes, I was in a hospital. My legs were burning and every part of my body ached. My mom rushed to me as I tried to rise from the bed calling out to the doctor.
I struggled to recall what happened and why I was there. Then it hit! Bode had physically and sexually assaulted me. I couldn’t control my tears as I told my mom everything that happened, withholding nothing.
Her look of disappointment as she held onto me broke my heart. She promised to make that monster pay for what he did.
That’s where I’m at, diary. I started a therapy session with Dr Ann the next day and she suggested a change of environment so I’ll be moving to my grandaunt’s place tomorrow.
As for Bode, there has been no sign of him since the incident but my parents haven’t relented in their search for him.
I can’t help but feel like a failure for letting everybody down. I don’t know if I can ever be who I used to be but as Dr Ann said, I’ll be intentional about my healing process and take it one step at a time.
This isn’t goodbye, diary.
Read the last episode of Sharon’s Diary here.
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