By Little Boy, how did this happen? You weren’t even supposed to be here, you know.
This would be the opening line if I wrote a book dedicated to my final, “surprise” baby.
Maybe I will someday.
You see, God works in mysterious ways, and if I had my story to write for myself, our family would have been complete after baby number two.
I never saw us being a crew of five, at least not so soon.
Watching you sleep is one of my greatest joys. Not just because of those sweet cheeks that beg me to kiss and compel me to nibble…but also because I can finally take a moment to think about how amazing it is to be your mama, to get to raise you, and to (hopefully) help form you into a good human.
And, at this moment, because—oh thank heavens you are finally asleep!—I can take a breath, gather my thoughts, catch a glimpse of what a beautiful blessing you are, however unexpected you were.
That’s right—you were a surprise. A bit of a shock, really! But without a doubt a joyful, beautiful, happy surprise, nonetheless.
I had been down this road of pregnancy twice before, the signs so eagerly anticipated with my first planned babies were much more subtle with this last stealth one.
Being so busy with your two older siblings—their school schedules, work schedules, social schedules—along with maintaining all things domestic as the COO of our home, left me focused more on what was going on around me, rather than within me.
At first, I didn’t notice a missed period because I was so preoccupied with managing of other small people’s lives. I also didn’t note my fatigue, being beholden to everyone else’s.
Plus, I was a super busy mama-of-two—of course, I was going to be tired! Hungry or not hungry, who could tell when on the go I was mostly subsisting on air and a constant stream of Coca-Cola?
It wasn’t until I realized the period was missing….what day of the month is it?
Then, oh my gosh, what day of the month is it?!
Then, okay, let’s count that again, followed by a mad dash to the drugstore for what would certainly allay any fears I was having about what day of the month it was.
A mixture of excitement and terror accompanied my flip sense of denial as I waited quite impatiently for evidence of you.
So many feelings were threatening to override my resolve to keep calm and carry on, no matter the results. I thought…
I’m not prepared for this.
I haven’t planned for how to manage anything new in my life, let alone a new baby.
I’m not ready to give over my body again for nine months of occupation, let alone many more months of nursing. It was only 10 months ago I had your brother, through an excruciating CS pain.
I’m not done processing my last birth.
I’m not sure I can do this.
While I waited for those two pink lines to appear after the longest two minutes ever, I wondered—how will I tell my husband that, in addition to all we are going through financially and emotionally we are going to have even less sleep and one more mouth to feed?
I dashed to the hospital after work just to reconfirm and with my expectation of Negative result, I will urgently opt for FP but….
“Surprise!” is what I heard….
“Surprise what?” is what I replied.
I looked at the doctor. He looked at me. “Are you kidding?” I said it was shock and I couldn’t hide my fears when I said I’M NOT KEEPING THIS !!!!!! I cried all through the 8months plus…Oh, the fears of if I would die…the emotional trauma…..the guilt and the low self-esteem. I felt I wasn’t smart enough. This was indeed a surprise, but one so very welcome that nothing else mattered. We would manage…..was the assurance my husband gave, even though his fears were so intense.
So, yes, my last child, you are a surprise. And a blessing, and a joy, and I cannot imagine our lives without you.
But, at that moment, I was also scared. This wasn’t going to be easy. But then, most things worthwhile aren’t. Right then I decided that it didn’t matter that I was not prepared for this unplanned pregnancy. Being a mama of two had already taught me a few things.
It is so easy to get caught up in all of our shoulds that we forget about the woulds and coulds.
So I forgot those shoulds and looked at what this mama could do to manage…
I could ask for help.
I could restructure my life to accommodate the new priorities that would arrive with you.
I could rely on my faith for strength.
I could lean on my husband, my family, my friends.
I could be gentle with myself in all things.
I could give up perfection.
I could embrace this part of my journey.
And in doing so, I could help all of us learn to accept the unexpected and rejoice in you.
Then I would know that anything hard is just temporary, and time is forever, and that we need to savour every small moment for its fleeting beauty, with the knowledge of how fast it really does go.
We had to remember that this is what it is really about, this family and our love at the centre of it all.
Today, I am so glad you are here because…
…with these sleepless nights, I get to prioritize what is really important during the day so we can all nap.
…with these endless feedings, I get to slow down, watch and listen more to all that goes on around us.
…with this constant need for care, I get to evolve and teach your older brother and sister the altruism of putting others first.
…with your demanding little schedule, we can stay out of the car, turn down invitations and just be with each other.
… you give us the opportunity to teach our older two about how to be gentle, kind, patient, helpful and important role models.
…and with your cute tiny little hands, feet, toes, ears and nose, you give us all the chance to adore you.
You are the last, the baby, the surprise, and you are the ingredient that binds all of us together now in a way that could never have happened without you.
I would have not chosen this timing, but I also would never change one bit of you being here.
Sure, the days can be overwhelming, but night always comes, and the quiet that tiptoes in with it is the time I get to remember the big picture:
We are healthy
We are happy
We are complete.
So those nights when you finally! sleep, after long days of less time, more mess, more work and more attention—I look at the beautiful chaos that is my life and know that it is perfect, and that life is full of surprises. And you are the sweetest surprise, yet.
I’m bold enough to share this story now because you have come to take it all off.
Indeed, Allah loves us more than we love ourselves.
Happy Birthday, Muritala Aayan Osaretin Jayson. Know that we love and adore you beyond how words can describe
