By Ganiu Bamgbose, PhD
As one who enjoyed it myself, I can say only few things compare to a mother’s love and care. It is a shield. It is warmth. It is a blessing. However, it can be everything on the other side of its sweetness when indulgence is taken as being caring, and when affection replaces cognition.
I think of “murdering Mothering” in two ways. On the one hand, this is when mothers fail in their responsibility and on the other hand, it is when such irresponsibility mortgages the future of their children. An inquisitive mind may be asking why this is not more generally directed at parenthood rather than motherhood, and my answer is simply that the motivation for this piece was born out of my engagements with some female parents of my students in recent times.
The Online Cambridge Dictionary defines university as a place of higher education usually for people who have finished twelve years of schooling and where they can obtain more knowledge and skills, and get a degree to recognise this. This definition suggests that the university is a place for an averagely exposed and smart person who should be able to navigate life. Age falsification and other forms of negotiation which result in having too many students who are too young and unprepared to be in higher institutions of learning in many universities is another important topic to be kept for another piece. The assumption that an undergraduate student should be able to navigate life in the university negates my recent experience of having parents, most often mothers, come to the university with their children or call lecturers to beg for marks and/or negotiate grades. Most disturbing is their appeal to pity fallacy called argumentum ad misericordiam. This occurs when someone evokes sympathy or guilt in an attempt to gain support for their claim, without providing any logical reasons to support the claim itself. Expressions such as “I am a single mother”, “His father must not see this result”, “You are our last hope.” are often said to attract pity and guilt trip the lecturers.
What is usually most worrisome is how such interactions immediately reflect failed parenting with students who are unable to tell their course codes and titles and who admit before their parents not to have ever attended classes. One would think that parents coming with their children to school would have asked their children basic sincere questions which would save them of embarrassment. That your child does not read and does not attend classes are not things to find out when you come to appeal to lecturers to pass them. Of course it is in place to make unexpected visits to your children’s institutions to inquire about their diligence and performance. It is equally not out of place to request mentoring support for your children from their lecturers if you consider it needful. This is the responsibility of parenthood. Parenting is a duty which requires much more than the provision of needs and negotiation of life for one’s children.
This piece is rather a two-way appeal than a careless exposition. First, it is a plea to parents, especially to mothers, to understand care as a responsibility and not just indulgence. We will not always be there to beg for our children so it is important to prepare them for survival by inculcating in them life skills such as dutifulness, diligence and responsibility. Also, this piece calls for an open and transparent system within the Nigerian higher institutions of learning which can aid parental monitoring and timely feedback on students’ academic engagements. Let us be caring parents but let us equally ensure that we are not carefree.
(c) 2025 Ganiu Bamgbose writes from the Department of English, Lagos State University.
